


Ninth Day of Christmas - Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer

by unjaundiced



Series: Holiday Headaches [9]
Category: Naruto
Genre: 12 Days of Christmas, 12 Days of Fic, Bad Flirting, Gen, Gender Confusion, Hangover, Pre-Slash, bad role models
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-02
Updated: 2016-01-02
Packaged: 2018-05-11 20:56:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5641690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unjaundiced/pseuds/unjaundiced
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mornings after are such a bitch, especially with a smug and perky jounin running around.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ninth Day of Christmas - Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer

Iruka mumbled and batted at the thing tugging at his arm. His eyes creaked open blearily and slammed shut as unwelcome light barged in. He moaned, fumbled for the edge of his blanket and flopped over, covering his head with the blanket. A whole host of limbs poked him in the stomach and legs and he kicked them away fitfully, smiling muzzily as the offenders retreated and blissful nothingness closed in again.

  
When he sleepily opened his eyes later, it was still dark. He stretched and yawned, pushing a dog leg off his lap. He blinked in confusion and wiggled the dog's foot in front of his face. The dog attached kicked lightly in its sleep, almost hitting him in the face. He looked down, tugging on the leg. A drooling and entirely lax Bisuke snored in his lap, a huge bubble forming at his nostrils. Iruka rolled his eyes and pushed the dog away. Bisuke slid down the side of his thigh and landed on the nest his packmates made between Naruto and Sasuke, kicking and snorting wildly suddenly in a dream.  
  
Iruka smiled softly at the endearing sight, gently pulling Guruko's paw from where it was pressing Sasuke's cheek in. He giggled to himself at the perfect pawprint impression left on the genin's cheek. Suddenly the raw cottony taste of his own stale mouth hit him and he frowned, groaning as he forced himself into a standing position and stumbled across the maze of limbs in his room towards the washroom. He scrubbed at his face, mumbling to himself as he plotted how best to do his fellow sensei in.  
  
It wasn't until he was scrubbing the film off his tongue and ruffling his hair tiredly that he realized his didn't actually feel _sore_ —anywhere. He hurriedly spat out the foam and rinsed his mouth, splashing water over his face at the same time. He patted at his face and blinked at his unusual coherence. He flicked the bathroom light on, blinking rapidly at the sudden brightness and leaned in towards the mirror, opening his eyes as wide as he could. There was no redness, no unusual dilation. He patted his cheeks and sighed heavily, noting no throbbing at his temples. Curious.  
  
“So you finally woke up,” a voice came from his side. He jerked and glared at the jounin lounging against the door frame. “And you call _me_ tardy.”  
  
“What do you mean— _tardy_?” Iruka slanted his glare and crossed his arms. “What _time_ is it?”  
  
“Tomorrow.”  
  
“ _What!_ What _time_ — _Is it?_ ”  
  
“Just about midnight, tomorrow.” Kakashi looked thoughtful and entirely oblivious of the threatening glare the chuunin was busy shooting him.  
  
“Do you know what this _means_ , Kakashi-sensei?” Iruka's hands tightened in his shirtsleeves, clutching at his elbows. Kakashi flinched imperceptibly, chakra sharpening at the edges in response to the sudden threat.  
  
“Enlighten me, sensei. What does _this_ mean, pray tell?” Kakashi managed to say that in a flat, emotionless tone, but Iruka noticed the tiniest bead of sweat sliding down the side of his face, just above his mask and smirked evilly.  
  
“It means...” Iruka took a big breath and started shouting and clapping his hands. “ _Get up, get up, get up! Everybody, get up now!”_  
  
Kakashi paled as a number of groans filtered in from the living room. A thump sounded and a whine followed. A strange batting sound came after that, followed by a sigh of defeat. He backed across the hallway and peeked into the living room, rolling his eye skyward as the sad bloodshot eyes of Bisuke met his. The small dog flailed his legs and made a batting sound as he kicked at Naruto's face. The boy's arm was flung over the small dog and his hand was busy squeezing the hem of Sasuke's shirt. The jounin carefully stepped back as his blonde genin opened his mouth wide to display his tonsils, ducking around the door frame just as the boy sat upright, shouting about kicking someone's ass and throwing his teammate against the wall.  
  
Kakashi peeked around the door frame again and was almost run over by a stampede of dogs as his ninken bolted from the coming destruction. Pakkun grunted past, shooting daggers at Kakashi's knee as he passed. Guruko groaned and stumbled, bumping into the wall before he made it out of the living room. The jounin smiled widely with pride before he ducked away to safety again.  
  
“ _USURATONKACH-Itai!_ ” Sasuke's shout cut off into a groan and Naruto's resulting screech likewise ended in a groan. The Uchiha moaned and continued in a harsh whisper. “What the hell did you _do_ to me? _Everything hurts._ It hurts to _breathe_. I _hate_ you so much.”  
  
“Teme, what did _you_ do to _me_ , you bastard! Ah!” Naruto clutched his head and rolled on the floor.  
  
Kakashi went to peek around the door frame and flinched as Iruka punched his shoulder hard. He frowned and rubbed the sore spot as the chuunin pushed past him. Thumps made the walls vibrate as the two groaning boys grappled in the living room, each determined that the other had done something to cause his misery.  
  
“Boys!” Iruka stepped between the boys, pushing them apart and holding small yellow cards in front of their faces. “This is all...” He broke off to cast an evil look at the jounin peering in curiously. “ _Kakashi-sensei's_ fault.”  
  
Naruto shrieked, clutched at his head, and leapt towards his jounin instructor. He cried out again as his head connected with Sasuke's as he leaped forward with similar homicidal intent. Kakashi smiled and wiggled his fingers at them before disappearing in a puff of falling tangerines.  
  
The jounin appeared again as the boys stumbled out of the bathroom later, still squinting and groaning amongst themselves, and waved envelopes in their faces, broad smile apparent even through his mask. The boys frowned and slapped at his hands, aggravated as he skillfully evaded their reach. A slap to the back of his head made him sigh and stop moving long enough for the genin to take the envelopes. He still held the envelopes so tightly they had to struggle to pull them from his hands.  
  
Kakashi turned a pitiful hangdog expression on Iruka, lip wibbling as he asked why the chuunin had hit him. The other sensei just rolled his eyes and slapped at him again, throwing a sudden punch at the jounin's ribs as the man dodged.  
  
“We need to eat ozoni _now_ ,” Iruka ground out. “Or we'll have bad luck for the _whole_ year. It's already _late_ , no thanks to _Kakashi-sensei_.”  
  
“I _tried_ to wake you up yesterday. It's _your_ fault if you didn't want to wake up. You were quite mean about it too.” Kakashi pouted.  
  
“So _you_ were the one poking me,” Iruka muttered. “I didn't appreciate that.”  
  
“Maa, sensei. If I was really _poking_ you, you'd know—” Kakashi was suddenly interrupted by Sasuke's snort.  
  
“Get a room,” the genin muttered, holding the envelope up and squinting at the fire sprites decorating it. He rolled his eyes at his teachers' sputtered protests and frantic blushing. “Pochibukuro?”  
  
“What about a dog?” Naruto squinted at his own envelope, giggling at the orange kitsune eating a bowl of ramen on it. Sasuke slapped him across the back of his head, dodging the return strike and clutched his head as it throbbed with the motion.  
  
“ _Pochibukuro_ , not _Pochi_ ,” Iruka chided as he caught Naruto's fist and waved a yellow card at him. “It's an envelope that is used to hold otoshidama. It's good luck money for the New Year. It's something families give to their children.”  
  
The blonde genin's slow smile lit up his face and made something in Iruka's chest twist painfully. He choked a little and ruffled the boy's hair, hands colliding with Kakashi's as the jounin tried to pat the boy simultaneously. He drew back quickly, feeling off balance. Sasuke sighed, aggrieved, as Kakashi patted him soundly on the head too.  
  
“ _I am in a place that has a lot of parasites..._ Is this a scavenger hunt,” Naruto questioned, tilting the paper he pulled from the pochibukuro. Iruka gritted his teeth and flung a stack of kagamimochi at Kakashi's head.  
  
“What the _hell_ —” Iruka broke off as the jounin waved a yellow card in his face, kagamimochi stack carefully balanced on a finger.  
  
“It's a _test_ , sensei. I take my duties seriously after all,” he chided gently.  
  
“No tests,” Iruka scolded, batting the card aside. “And don't call babies 'parasites'. It's rude.”  
  
“No fun, sensei. You gave the hint away.” Kakashi looked aggrieved. Sasuke frowned.  
  
“That still doesn't tell us where the money is,” Naruto muttered. Iruka patted him on the back and glared at the jounin.  
  
“I'm sure Kakashi-sensei will let us know where it is _sometime_ today, _won't he_ ,” the chuunin asked sweetly. Kakashi arched his eye cheerfully and waved innocently.  
  
“Ozoni time! Let's go before it gets cold,” he chirped before sauntering rather quickly in the direction of the kitchen. Naruto swore and ran after him, yelling and waving his arms around, not noticing when he hit Sasuke in the face or the tube of toothpaste his teammate flung at his back.  
  
“Let's go, Sasuke,” Iruka sighed, patting the boy's back. “Ozoni can be good for hangovers if it's made right. Though...”  
  
“I'm going to die,” the genin stated flatly, making his way towards the kitchen as well. Iruka sighed softly.  
  
“Yeah, we probably all will,” the chuunin muttered, bad memories of gingerbread dancing through his head.  
  
The ninken were busy cowering under the kitchen table, whining in misery from their over-imbibing the night before—though what the shrine priests were thinking by giving the dogs alcohol was beyond anyone. The soft shuffles of feet by their noses as Kakashi and Iruka grappled over what should and should not go in the ozoni made them groan.  
  
Kakashi was determined that it should be sweet and Iruka disagreed, arguing that sweetness would be bad for a hangover. Iruka sliced takenoko and kamaboko, trusting the jounin to dice the chestnuts for kurikinton. Kakashi, abandoning his duty, ladled in kuromame, not realizing that Iruka had already thrown miso in the pot. The beans immediately sank to the bottom of the pot and were covered by the sliced gobo the chuunin added. Kakashi flipped in azuki beans and dropped in some cubes of agar jelly. He stirred the pot, poking lightly at the mochi balls bobbing inside before stepping away. The chuunin tossed in star anise when the jounin wasn't looking and went back to chopping.  
  
They both added daikon squares and blocks of ittonkonnyaku, frowning in confusion at the cloud of miso and star anise bubbling up. They glared at each other, each hissing quietly. “What did you do? _Me?_ What about _you_? You remember what happened the _last_ time this...” They broke off to smile innocently at the two genin blinking dumbly at them.  
  
“Excuse us,” Iruka smiled, frowning at Kakashi and yanking the jounin away, whisper-yelling under his breath. Sasuke frowned and gingerly spooned a bowl of ozoni for Naruto.  
  
It was the sound of choking that brought the bickering adults running. Naruto gagged as the too-chewy mochi ball stuck in his throat and he flailed uselessly on the ground as Kakashi's dogs tried valiantly to pound on his chest without hurting him. Sasuke bent over the sink, choking as well, this time in disgust.  
  
“How is this lucky again,” Kakashi muttered as he pounded on Naruto's back.  
  
“It's _supposed_ to be lucky. I guess us being shinobi kind of offsets that though,” Iruka sighed, grimacing as the mochi ball dislodged and flew across the room and stuck to the cabinets.  
  
“Ah, well... That's understandable then.” Kakashi patted Naruto, then smiled at Iruka. “Our turn to have a near-death experience!”

Kakashi grumbled to himself and rubbed at the new bruise adorning his skull. Headaches were becoming a common thing as of late, but he never seemed fast enough to dodge the chuunin when he was irritated. The genin snickered at him, aggravating his headache, and cried out in surprise as they broke open their kagamimochi to find miniature scrolls in the middle. Sasuke snorted when he realized they were miniature summoning scrolls, immediately guessing where the otoshidama had been.  
  
Iruka bustled up, looking chipper as he shuffled a stack of postcards. “Okay, so we have to visit everyone and give these out to all our friends.”  
  
“Ugh, not _this_ too,” Kakashi mumbled, glaring as the chuunin waved a bright orange and green card at his face. “Not _him_...”  
  
“He _is_ your Eternal Rival,” Iruka snickered, pushing the jounin out the door. “And hey, it's sunrise. Happy New Year!”  
  
Iruka's impossible jollity aggravated the jounin as he made them visit the houses of every member of Naruto's graduating class. His good cheer made even Hyuuga Hiashi crack a hint of a smile as they formally greeted him and presented a lavish paper sculpture crafted from smaller postcards, smile visibly increasing as the Hyuuga Head gifted him an equally lavish kadomatsu decorated with golden cranes.  
  
Iruka was just too _organized_ and _thoughtful_. He picked out postcards that fit each person. He had somehow found a postcard covered in a rainbow of dango, the sticks made of tiny needles that could be used as senbon. Anko was thrilled and had given them a box of mochi, frowning slightly as Naruto and Sasuke both groaned. Kakashi snickered at her irritation, soothed of his own at seeing her accept the postcard from Iruka.  
  
Iruka gave deer postcards to the Nara clan, receiving a plain, blank postcard in return. On a corner smudged with sauce were written the words “Turn over.” He laughed as he realized there'd been another postcard glued to the back, this one with a giant piece of meat on it and scrawled greetings from both Akimichi and Nara. Kakashi glared at Shikaku, annoyed at the man's laziness.  
  
Izumo and Kotetsu were obnoxiously loud, the two chuunin waving a mess of postcards at them as they approached the guard shack, each asking Iruka to make their deliveries for them. Kakashi stared at them with unnerving blankness as they shoveled off their mail on the chuunin sensei. Naruto loudly announced that he'd carry the postcards and immediately dropped at least half. Kakashi smiled at that.  
  
Astoundingly and disturbingly enough, Iruka even had a postcard for Ebisu. The tokubetsu jounin had stuttered something and tried to hand a postcard back, fainting when his fingers touched Iruka's by accident. Kakashi assured the chuunin that the man would be fine as he casually kicked him towards a ditch. Iruka had almost brained him with a flower pot for that one.  
  
Kakashi's irritation with their delivery task only increased when they made it to Kurenai's house and had to endure her incessantly smug looks—at least _he_ did anyway. He got to exhibit a little smugness of his own when they reached Asuma's house and found the jounin looking a little more scraggy than usual, eyes red-rimmed from what was now universally understood to be a hangover. He made sure to greet his fellow jounin with his utmost enthusiasm, prompting Naruto to shriek his New Years greeting in a voice that made the windows shake. Sasuke covered his ears and smirked. Iruka kicked at the back of Kakashi's leg as he tried to smile apologetically while politely greeting the beleaguered man.  
  
Kakashi's irritation turned to dread when they ran out of deliveries to make and he was left holding a large orange and green postcard. He groaned to himself, shooting a pitiful glance at Iruka. The chuunin shook his head and called out loudly, “Why, Kakashi-sensei! It is such a lovely day to be out and youth—”  
  
A blur of green rushed by as Gai's booming voice shattered the morning quiet. “Dynamic Entry!”  
  
Kakashi's eye dropped further. He sighed as if the end of the world was upon him and limply held up the card. “Gai-sensei. Happy New Year.” He paused and sighed heavily again. “I think.”  
  
Gai smiled happily, sparkling brightly in a strangely powerful sunbeam. He gave Kakashi a thumbs-up and bellowed, “My Eternal Rival, you have beat me in this year's challenge to be first to greet friends! You are most definitely worthy of being my Rival!” Gai turned up the wattage on his smile and beamed it at Iruka like a laser. “And you are also looking quite healthy and youthful for someone in your delicate condition, Iruka-sensei!”  
  
Iruka faltered, blinking in confusion. “Eh, what?”  
  
Gai pointed at Iruka's stomach and laughed roundly, teeth glinting blindingly. “Your coming addition to your little family! I heard!”  
  
Iruka pressed a hand to his stomach, mind blank. Hazy memories of a heavily pregnant woman giggling conspiratorially at him wriggled to the surface and he gaped. He shot an enraged look towards Kakashi who was beaming like a proud father-to-be, amusement apparent in his eye. The man had immediately forgotten he'd ever been annoyed when he heard Gai's commentary.  
  
“I know! I'm so excited too,” Kakashi gushed, egging his rival on. Sasuke snorted and casually stepped back. Naruto squinted in confusion, peering between his teachers, focusing hard on Iruka's stomach. Nope. One and one still made orange.  
  
“I-I-I...” Iruka teleported away without another word.  
  
There was silence in the street for a brief moment as the shinobi looked between each other, Kakashi shrugging at Gai's questioning look. Five seconds later and they were running for their lives as a barrage of rattles came flying from a sudden cloud of falling baby toys.  
  
“Must be hormones,” Kakashi chirped happily, ducking as he was almost brained by a teething ring. Gai's smile grew brighter as he laughed, proclaiming his jealousy over his rival's most excellent and youthful “wife”. A steel edged sippy cup whizzed between them and bounced off the street, leaving a deep crescent-shaped gouge in the dirt. They sped up as a cradle mobile sliced through the air like a Fuuma shuriken, Iruka's shouts echoing down the street.  
  
“I'LL KILL YOU!!!”

**Author's Note:**

> These were originally written for the 12 Days of Christmas Challenge on Livejournal in 2010, starting with the first day of Christmas (December 25). It's basically all crack and I apologise for nothing.
> 
>  **Notes**  
>  New Years is a time for new beginnings and there are a lot of things that have to be done: "first sun" (hatsuhi) or "first sunrise", "first laughter" (waraizome—starting the New Year with a smile is considered a good sign), first dream (hatsuyume), "first letter" (hatsudayori—meaning the first exchange of letters), "first calligraphy" (kakizome), and "first brush" (fude hajime). Since the traditional New Year was later in the year than the current date, many of these mention the beginning of spring.
> 
> Postcards are normally delivered on New Years day or are sent out so that they arrive at that time as a formal greeting for the New Year. Normally postcards aren't given out in the event of deaths in the family [especially considering the recent attack by Otogakure], but a ninja village is full of deaths so I'm assuming they don't adhere to that rule.
> 
> Ozoni (mochi soup) can be made any way you like. Some people prefer to make it a vegetable soup, others as a dessert soup with syrup and sweet beans. It can be very chewy and particularly unpalatable if you're hungover, otherwise it's very good. Choking is not uncommon since the mochi is far chewier than dessert mochi.
> 
> The kagamimochi mochi can be broken open ceremonially by children and is believed to be a lucky start to the new year and is usually eaten with a slice of bitter orange. The pochibukuro presentation often occurs at the same time or just after the kagamimochi is broken apart. [also, Pochi is a common name for male dogs, similar to "Fido" and "Rover" in America]


End file.
